True Blue Vein

Helen (centre rear), tiny little Bluey (left) and buck Shelford,
a happy family.

It was a love story that rivaled Will and Kate, and maybe even Kanye and Kim. Helen von Danswan, heart-broken widow, found love on the internet when the short-but-handsome Alpine buck Shelford answered her ad in the lonely hearts column. Love at first sight was followed by a whirlwind romance; Helen and Shelford have been inseparable since Shelford arrived at Fiveacres early in March.

But whirlwind romances attract gossip like poorly-fenced vegetable gardens attract goats; when Helen's midline began to expand, whispers of pregnancy could be heard all over Fiveacres. This morning, Fiveacres awoke to the news that Helen had gone into labour and delivered the couple's first kid, one four-and-a-half pound Blue Vein.

Grass always greener: Ram discharged from hospital

Roger Ram working the camera after his release from hospital.

Fiveacres today rejoiced as Roger Ram was discharged from hospital. Said Dr. Shepherd: "It was shear determination on Ram's part. We didn't think he would make it - he sure pulled the wool over our eyes."

Meanwhile, Ram's young son Molasses is sheepish after Ewes of the World lampooned him for shearing his desire to know what was in Ram's last wool and testament. Molasses maintains that there is no truth to the reports, and that Ewes of the World is simply spinning yarns.

Shovels all over Fiveacres breathed a collective sigh of relief, as did Mr Farmer.

BREAKING NEWES: Roger Ram in critical condition

Ram and some of his flock, in younger, healthier days.

Close friends and flock of Roger Ram, Fiveacres flock leader, are tonight keeping vigil at Ram's bedside as it emerged that Ram's health condition was "critical." Ram was rushed to hospital in a stock truck earlier today - he is  estimated to be nearly 70 sheep years of age (13 human years). Ewes of the World reported that a journalist had herd Dr. Shepherd advise the chaplain it was time to shear the newes of Ram's critical condition with the flock. Fleece Street Papparazzi continue to line the wools of the hospital waiting in anticipation for newes of Ram's progress.

Mr Farmer keeps looking reluctantly at the shovel.

Guinea fowl gang leaders in remand on suspicion of racketeering

 

FIVEACRES: Guinea Fowl Gang president Karl O'Gambino and sergeant in arms Alexander (Al) Capone - both wanted for alleged abduction and racketeering - are tonight being held in the Stytion jail, charged with home invasion and theft. The pair were apprehended this afternoon stealing food inside the chicken house.

The gang - suspected of orchestrating unprovoked attacks on the local laying hens - came to the attention of the Farmyard Bureau of Investigation (FBI) after the disappearance of a young brown leghorn hen several weeks ago. Just prior to her disappearance, the leghorn had agreed to act as a witness to the guinea fowl's involvement in the gangland-style assaults. Fiveacres Stytion released a statement alleging fowl play in the young hen's disappearance.

Says one concerned Fiveacres hen, who wished to remain anonymous, "the chicken community are thrilled at the news that the guinea fowl are behind bars - we hens have been laying low since the attacks started. Our rooster has been crowing about the arrests all day. It's great that the Guinea Fowl Gang can't hatch any more evil plans."

Investigators say they cannot rule out further charges being laid against the gang leaders.

Alberto von Danswan's last laugh

After a Summer so drought-stricken that farmers all over the country swore they had never experienced anything so dry, Mother Nature unleashed rain so torrential that rivers all over the country broke their banks, flooding paddocks, breaking fences, and causing the death of hundreds of innocent Salmon. Farmers all over the country swore it had never been so wet.

Mid-way through some of the worst weather Mr Farmer has seen this year, Big Suffolk proudly announced the birth of twins, Molasses and Moonshine. Two small lambs with over-sized ears, little black hooves, and big, dark brown splotches on their coats. Two small lambs who looked distinctly like a certain goat we used to know...

Roger Ram thinks someone's pulled the wool over his eyes. Big Suffolk is a bit sheepish, but she ain't sayin' nothin' about what she got up to five months ago.

Bereavements

VON DANSWAN, Alberto. 

Passed away 10 January, 2013, in a tragic accident. Absent father of Feta and Vindie Lou von Danswan, and estranged lover of Helen. You will be missed by everyone, even Roger Ram.

Share milking

Better with Feta, in moderation, at least.

Mr Farmer wants a holiday, but Helen needs to be milked every day, twice a day, twelve hours apart. The solution to the problem is obvious: Mr Farmer needs to take Helen on holiday with him.

Neither Mr Farmer nor Helen like the solution. Mr Farmer says he can't take a goat on holiday. Helen says she wouldn't want to go on holiday with Mr Farmer, even if he begged. Unless, of course, Mr Farmer was holidaying in a hay barn or at the Fiskens' grain-processing plant, but Helen doubts that Mr Farmer has this sort of exciting holiday in mind.

A second solution is proposed: Mr Farmer needs to hire a relief milker, to cover milking duties in his absence. An ad is placed in the Countryside Chronicle (and in Ewes of the World, for good measure), and several applicants apply. One applicant shines through - an applicant with extensive milking experience - an applicant who is willing to milk Helen at least twice a day, if not more. In what may be a first at Fiveacres, Helen and Mr Farmer are in agreement: They have found their ideal relief milker.

Feta is offered a trial, and accepts instantly. Her first week goes without a hitch - Feta takes two litres every day, and leaves two for cheese. Mr Farmer and Helen are relieved - pleased, even - and decide to offer Feta a temporary share milking contract until she begins her relief milking over Christmas. Feta accepts, and even offers to take on extra duties on weekends (and all other times when Mr Farmer wants to sleep in or stay out late).

Things go downhill after the contract is signed. Feta forgets that her job title is share milker, and drinks almost all the milk, every day. There is barely enough left for Mr Farmer's coffee. Mr Farmer has a conundrum: he wants a holiday, but does not like black coffee.

Additionally, Feta gets bored between milkings. To pass the time, Feta teaches herself to jump on top of her house. When that becomes easy, Feta tries to jump from the top of her house onto Helen's back. Over the course of the week, Feta perfects the technique, and begins to wonder about her chances at the Olympics. Helen is not impressed, and suggests that Mr Farmer forgo his holiday and dismiss Feta under the 90-day-trial law. Kids are such hard work, says Helen. Even harder work than farmers.

Another solution is proposed: Feta is to be employed only between the hours of 6.30 pm and 6.30 am. At other times, she is to be put into daycare. Feta will commence full-time employment only when Mr Farmer goes on holiday. Helen likes this solution, because it means she can live the life of a young, attractive and care-free goat during the day. Mr Farmer likes this solution, because it means there is sufficient milk for coffee and cheese. Feta does not like this solution, but is distracted when she discovers that she can jump up the side of the big a-frame goat house and almost make it to the top.

The solution works well, but soon - as always happens on the farm - another problem rears its ugly head: Someone has started a rumor about a permanent sharemilking position for Feta.

Cotija Cabra

Cotija - a burrito's best friend.

Cotija is a hard cheese traditionally made with cow milk. Although everything is better with goat milk (according to Feta), this recipe for cotija can be made with cow milk.

For a step-by-step guide with pictures, see this page, or continue below for the recipe:

2 L goat milk

1 T yogurt

1/8 t rennet, in 1 T water

1/2 to 1 T salt (to taste)

Heat milk to 86°F, add yogurt, ripen one hour. Add rennet to water, rest while the milk ripens.

After an hour, add rennet to milk, whisk. Rest at about 86°F for 45 minutes.

Cut curds into quarter-inch squares, rest 10 minutes, then stir gently.

Slowly heat the curds and whey to 95°F - this should take about 20 minutes. Rest five minutes.

Drain curds.

Hold curds at 95°F for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Drain off any whey that is expelled from the curds during this time.

Stir in salt.

Place curds into a cheese-cloth-lined mold, then press:

- 2.25 kg for 10 minutes, flip cheese, press another 10 minutes with the same weight

- 4.5 kg for 60 minutes

- 7.5 kg for 12 hours

While the cheese is pressing, prepare a brine of 1 1/2 C salt and 1 quart (about 1 liter) water.

Remove from press, and soak in cold brine overnight. Age in a cool, dry cupboard for two weeks.

Serve grated over slow-cooked pulled pork and black beans.

Thanksgiving: A murder mystery

The accused, Trusty Sidekick, with one of the victim's
siblings, in happier times.

The trial of the dog accused of killing turkey chick De Ceased began in Fiveacres Court today. Trusty Sidekick was released on bail after her arrest last week on suspicion of murder, having being caught carrying a lifeless and wounded De Ceased in her mouth.

The prosecution allege that Sidekick, suspected to be a prospect in the Mongrel Mob, was put up to the killing by convicted murderer Lecter.

After Sidekick and her legal team entered a not guilty plea, an outburst of fowl language saw parents of the victim, Tiff and Bob Turkey, removed from the dock.

Sidekick's legal team claim that De Ceased was the victim of neglect by his parents, and pointed to the De Licious debacle, the disappearance of the victim's sibling, and the fact that Chicken and Young Fowl Services (CYF) had already removed 20 newly-hatched chicks from Tiff and Bob's care prior to the incident.

Sidekick gave evidence that she had heard the cries of an injured turkey chick in the neighboring paddock, and had found De Ceased, apparently abandoned and badly wounded. Sidekick stated that she gently gathered the young turkey in her mouth and rushed him to Fiveacres to seek medical attention. Despite her dogged efforts, De Ceased died in Sidekick's mouth before she reached the boundary fence.

An egg-spert for-hen-sic investigator testified that De Ceased's wounds were consistent with puncture marks caused by teeth, but that the teeth could have been those of a cat, rat, stoat or dog.

The prosecution today issued a statement that the defense's argument was merely a cheep shot at grieving parents. The trial continues next week.

Better with Feta

Spring came. The sheep gave birth, the chicks hatched, and the grass grew. Helen's tummy got bigger and bigger, but no goat kids arrived.

Helen had been living with Albie throughout Winter. Albie was sure he was the father of the unborn kid - after all, Roger hadn't been anywhere near Helen. Roger replied that in that case, it had to be a phantom pregnancy.

Helen kept silent, until this afternoon, when Feta was born. Albie was elated. There was nothing sheepish about Feta. Roger had to agree. Little Feta was decidedly goaty. It was the nose, Roger said. Roman. And the ears. They were big - Nubian, almost. Yes, said Roger, little Feta looked just like a goat he knew. That one that Helen used to hang around with. Yes, said Roger, Feta looks just like Helen's ex-boyfriend Trevor.

Why you should never transplant carrots

Cal-lamb-ity

Venus and Serena Woolliams (left and
right), with proud mother Arethra.

On the final day of Wimbledon, Venus and Serena Woolliams arrived on the farm in their pristine white tennis outfits. Proud mother Arethra's joy was short-lived, but much to Arethra's relief, so were the accusatory stares of the other new mothers in the flock. In a hidden corner of the paddock, a much bigger scandal was taking place. Fritzl's mum was giving birth again, this time to a little girl, Kerstin.

Kerstin. Cute, despite the awkward
family situation...

Roger claims that Fritzl's mum jumped the fence, but everybody knows that Roger is the only ram on the block. Additionally, Kerstin's resemblance to Fritzl and Roger is striking - but then, with such close family ties, that is only to be expected...

Earl E. Lamb and his half brother

Earl E. Lamb

Big Suffolk and Roger are proud to announce the birth of their son, Earl E. Lamb.


Whitney and Roger are also proud to announce the birth of their son, as yet unnamed.

Earl E.'s younger half brother

The rest of the community at Fiveacres say they already knew, because torrential rain and lambs go hand-in-hand, and also because Ewes of the World lambpooned Roger when it covered his brief but passionate affair with Whitney five months ago. Lambmentably, Big Suffolk and Whitney are not on speaking terms. Roger is feeling rather sheepish about the whole calambity, but is secretly ewephoric about being a father yet again.

Better late than never

One happy bantam and her new chick.

Twenty-two days ago, the Little Black Bantam was busy sitting on two eggs. For seventeen days she sat, moving only to turn her eggs every half hour. Then, on Day Eighteen, along came the Big Impatient Bantam, who had been eyeing up the eggs for weeks. With one swift peck, the Big Impatient Bantam kicked the Little Black Bantam off the eggs. All the Little Black Bantam could do was watch from the nesting box next door.

On Day Twenty-One, one of the two eggs hatched. The Little Black Bantam had barely any time to admire little Colonel before the Big Impatient Bantam whisked the chick off to the Brooding Box. The Little Black Bantam moved onto the one remaining egg, just in case.
Her perseverance paid off. The Little Black Bantam's wish finally came true. The lonely egg hatched this morning, on Day Twenty-Two. The rest of the gossipy bantams are thrilled at the new addition to the family. They have named the little chick De Lay.

Hatching plans...

Introducing McNugget...

McNugget, front centre, Benedict, left rear, and Scramble,
front left inside the egg.

McNugget's slightly younger sibling Benedict...

Benedict, front left, and Scramble, centre rear inside the
egg.

Scramble, still hatching...

Scramble, and shell.

And their estranged sibling Colonel...

Colonel

Colonel was fostered as an egg to a broody bantam who, after months of trying to hatch a golf ball, was excited to have a viable egg. Two days before Colonel hatched, a chicken coup took place, and Colonel's foster mother was evicted from the nesting box. A larger, less patient bantam seized the opportunity to go broody just before the egg hatched. Colonel now lives with two mothers, inside the chicken coop.

Colonel's siblings were hatched inside an incubator, and are currently sharing a bedroom in the farmhouse. Mr Farmer is of the opinion that they ought to be sent to live in foster care with Colonel, despite the slightly unstable family situation.

Love thy Neighbor

Bob, whose life was a black abyss.

Ewes of the World broke the scandalous story of Bob and Yortu's (second) break-up, in an exclusive, tell-all interview with Yortu. Such was the heartbreak and anguish that the gossipy bantams took time out from picketing to read the article, and Lecter even ceased his endless barking long enough to read the story in the dim light of his cell.

Shortly before the article went to press, Yortu was spotted fleeing Fiveacres with her and Bob's day-old son, De Sappeared*. The pair haven't been seen since.

Bob, Yortu's jilted lover, was devastated by the disappearance of De Sappeared and Yortu. So much so, that on a dark and stormy Tuesday evening, Bob was seen leaving Fiveacres Farm and wandering dejectedly toward the local Petitentiary. With his head hung low, and his caruncles blue with melancholy, he dragged one foot after the other up the steep (but beautifully-mown) hill, and stopped at the edge of the fence. He drew a heavy breath, and his brow furrowed with concentration. He flexed his wings and leapt, a little unsteadily, over the fence, landing with a loud thump on the deck by Lecter's cell.

Lecter, chained to his cell, had been so busy barking at an imaginary intruder that he hadn't even noticed the real one. At the sound of Bob's somewhat ungraceful landing, Lecter jerked his head up, and blinked. Perched on the deck in the driving rain was a turkey who looked just like Bob, that philandering turkey from Fiveacres who had made the front page of Ewes of the World. Lecter licked his lips, and rummaged around in his cell for some cranberry sauce.

All he found was a half-empty bottle of mint sauce.

Salivating, Lecter crouched, ready to pounce. A young shaver hen, watching the goings on from her nearby coop, shrieked in panic. Bob's eyes flicked up toward the hen, and he gasped.

Even in the pouring rain, the hen's glossy, rust-red shone. Bob's caruncles turned bright red. Who cared about some old turkey when there were hot young chicks out there? He was too young to die. Bob leapt, just in time, into a nearby tree. Seconds later, Lecter crashed with full force into the deck, the mint sauce bottle shattering on impact. Bob perched precariously on his branch, wondering if this time he really was stuffed.

At that very moment, the sound of a late-model european car pulling into the driveway caught Bob's attention. Bob exhaled - surely this was one of the prison guards, here to rescue him. The Neighbor, exiting his late-model european car, surveyed the chaos with horror. The deck was covered in turkey droppings. What would people think? Then the Neighbor's eyes settled on Bob, perched high in the tree, and a slow grin edged its way across his face. The Neighbor rubbed his hands in glee and pulled out his cellphone. Excellent, he said as he dialed Mr Farmer's number. Something else to complain about.

*If you haven't read Freakonomics, you really ought to.

Hens cry fowl over lay-offs

Angry left-wing socialists called for capitalism to be
eggstinguished.

Poultry of Albany's Chicken Executive Officer (CEO) this morning announced a plan to make all 12 laying hens redundant, and to hire a replacement workforce. The proposed restructuring comes after Poultry of Albany the workers' union Kollective For Chickens (KFC) demanded a colleggtive employment eggreement and pay increases of 2.5% - a demand made in response to Poultry of Albany's plans to double productivity, as measured by the number of eggs produced per day, from 6 to 12. Workers state that the proposed target of one egg per bird per day goes against the grain, and that the present laying roster system is a more realistic eggspectation.

After the announcement, Poultry of Albany workers scrambled to arrange a meeting with KFC representatives to plan strike action over the proposed redundancies. Said one hen, "Poultry of Albany will be left with egg on their face when production stops; the neggative publicity and pressure this will eggcert on them will make them crack."

A flock of left-wing socialists circling the farm with placards speculated that Poultry of Albany had plans to poach a specialized team of point-of-lay Brown Shavers from a neighboring farm. Egged on by the rumours, angry union members told reporters that they would not be beaten by Poultry of Albany's capitalism: "The proposed lay-offs are just an eggscuse to avoid having to shell out for what really is a poultry increase in wages."

Ewes of the World

If there's scandal on the farm, you can be sure that the Ewes of the World will be there to report it. Shortly before Christmas, they bought exclusive rights to Yortu and Bob's story about the disappearance of their seven chicks (that's why you didn't read about it in the Countryside Chronicle). Ewes of the World also broke scandals such as the Bob-Leghorn-Affair Debacle (exclusive interviews with the Leghorn, purported to have been hired as a nanny for Bob's unborn chicks), and featured an exclusive, tell-all piece on Lecter (who now alleges his dog-and-bone was hacked). They were also the driving force behind the rumors about Vindie-Lou's paternity.

Whitney (far right), alive and kicking, with Arethra (left, with
scurs) and Fritzl's Mum (centre).

The Gossipy Bantams are the primary source of revenue for Ewes of the World. If you visit the chicken coop on a Sunday morning, you'll find (amid the haphazard piles of old Ewes of the World papers with pages dog-eared and torn as a result of greedy, gossip-seeking bantam claws, and cross-words and sudokus filled out, albeit incorrectly) the Gossipy Bantams, glued to the day's copy of Ewes of the World, clucking quietly over the latest scandal.

On Sunday Feb 12, just after the Ewes of the World was delivered, raucous crowing filled the chicken coop. On the front page, Ewes of the World reported that Whitney had been found dead in a bath tub. Speculation was rife; had she been drinking from one of the troughs in the paddock, slipped on the trough-slime that Mr Farmer hadn't cleaned up, and fallen in? Was this the work of the Lecter-like attacker, or the Rural Ripper, trying to disguise the murder as a tragic accident? How would Nicole Ritchie cope with the loss of her mother? And what about Whitney's on-again off-again lover (and father of Nicole) Roger, still in the Intensive Care Unit?

Ewes of the World today issued a retraction. Whitney (pictured) is alive and well, although as a precautionary measure has opted to steer clear of the bathtub troughs and instead drink from the pond. 

Countryside Chronicle February 9th, 2012

Vicious attack on elderly ram: Police fear Lecter-inspired rampage.

Authorities are appealing for sightings of
a sheepish-looking dog carrying a bottle
of mint sauce. Photo: Identikit.

PARAMEDICS today rushed an elderly ram found wounded in the front paddock to intensive care. Roger Ram, a longstanding member of the Fiveacres Flock, is in a critical condition, being treated for lacerations, puncture wounds and flystrike complications.

Local authorities at the Stytion have called in the Farm Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and Chicken Intelligence Agency (CIA), and are appealing for witnesses to the attack. In a press conference this afternoon, investigators would neither confirm nor deny the involvement of the Lecter killer, who is serving a life sentence for the killings of three lambs. Police stated that while Ram fits the profile of Lecter's victims, the MO was generally different, in that Ram was left wounded but not dead. Authorities suspect a copycat killer, and are appealing for sightings of a dog carrying a half-empty bottle of mint sauce, who is a key person of interest to the case. Said Detective Inspector P. Igg, "The attacker has sought to pull the wool over our eyes by mimicking the Lecter killings. We suspect the perp is a youth or adolescent, looking for a sheep thrill; he's gone on a rampage, and it's shear luck that the victim survived." Police also noted that Ram was found without his wallet: "He's been fleeced."

Roger Ram, in a critical but stable
condition in the Intensive Care Unit.

Hospital staff this afternoon confirmed that Ram is in a critical but stable condition. Members of the Fiveacres Flock are being cared for by Victim Support. Anyone with information regarding the killer or person of interest is encourage to contact the local Stytion.

Countryside Chronicle December 20th, 2011

Rural Ripper serial killer strikes: Two confirmed dead

Police want to speak to
 a ginger tabby, of  average
build and height, with
green eyes.
Image: Identikit

FIVEACRES FARM, New Zealand - Police are appealing for any information about the suspicious deaths of two young turkey chicks, E. Coli and Mo Lasses, found dead on the back lawn yesterday. Detective Inspector P. Igg told media this morning that an examination of the crime scene suggested fowl play: "The poor little fellows had the stuffing knocked out of them," he commented.

The small country community, which two years ago years ago lost three lambs to the notorious Lecter serial killer, has this time been rocked by a double homicide. Mo and Col, the turkey chick victims of this latest attack, were described by a local Gossipy Bantam as being conscientious youngsters with an "egg-cellent future" ahead of them. The turkeys' foster mother, Sarah Git, is said to be in shock after witnessing the attack. A neighbour who wished to remain anonymous said that although the neighbourhood was a low-crime area, she and her six young children will be remaining vigilant until the attacker is apprehended - "It makes me quail in fear to think that it could have been one of my brood". Meanwhile, the tight-knit community of Fiveacres is rallying around to provide support for Sarah Git, and for Mo and Col's biological parents, Bob and Yortu.

A known serial killer out
on bail, should not be approached.
Image: Identikit

Police yesterday carried out a forensic examination of the crime scene, and are appealing to the individuals shown in the Idenikit drawings to come forward and assist police with their investigation. Forensic profiler Police Constable S. Wine issued a statement saying that the unsub is likely to have sharp teeth and a propensity for violence, so should not be approached. The unsub is believed to be an associate of the Mongrel Mob (with which paroled serial killer Lecter is understood to be affiliated), although police have not yet ruled out a copy-cat killer, since the victim profiles and MO appear to deviate from those in the Lecter killings. Anyone with information about the crime should contact the Fiveacres Police Stytion immediately.