Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Countryside Chronicle December 20th, 2011

Rural Ripper serial killer strikes: Two confirmed dead

Police want to speak to
 a ginger tabby, of  average
build and height, with
green eyes.
Image: Identikit
FIVEACRES FARM, New Zealand - Police are appealing for any information about the suspicious deaths of two young turkey chicks, E. Coli and Mo Lasses, found dead on the back lawn yesterday. Detective Inspector P. Igg told media this morning that an examination of the crime scene suggested fowl play: "The poor little fellows had the stuffing knocked out of them," he commented.

The small country community, which two years ago years ago lost three lambs to the notorious Lecter serial killer, has this time been rocked by a double homicide. Mo and Col, the turkey chick victims of this latest attack, were described by a local Gossipy Bantam as being conscientious youngsters with an "egg-cellent future" ahead of them. The turkeys' foster mother, Sarah Git, is said to be in shock after witnessing the attack. A neighbour who wished to remain anonymous said that although the neighbourhood was a low-crime area, she and her six young children will be remaining vigilant until the attacker is apprehended - "It makes me quail in fear to think that it could have been one of my brood". Meanwhile, the tight-knit community of Fiveacres is rallying around to provide support for Sarah Git, and for Mo and Col's biological parents, Bob and Yortu.

A known serial killer out
on bail, should not be approached.
Image: Identikit
Police yesterday carried out a forensic examination of the crime scene, and are appealing to the individuals shown in the Idenikit drawings to come forward and assist police with their investigation. Forensic profiler Police Constable S. Wine issued a statement saying that the unsub is likely to have sharp teeth and a propensity for violence, so should not be approached. The unsub is believed to be an associate of the Mongrel Mob (with which paroled serial killer Lecter is understood to be affiliated), although police have not yet ruled out a copy-cat killer, since the victim profiles and MO appear to deviate from those in the Lecter killings. Anyone with information about the crime should contact the Fiveacres Police Stytion immediately.


Proud parents Yortu and Bob (aka Angelina and Sting) are pleased to announce the arrival of their septuplets, born 18 December. Y and B regret to announce that they will now be unable to attend Christmas dinner with Mr Farmer.


Mo Lasses and E. Coli, beloved foster chicks of Sarah Git. Memorial service to be held Christmas Day; all welcome.

Public notices

Support group for lonely males - I meet regularly - contact Albie in the buck paddock for more information.

1 comment:

  1. Snicker! Too funny. Maybe Brangelina will adopt any of Ms. Git's remaining foster children. Horrible crime. Just horrible. Frankly, though, I think the constabulary at Five Acres stinks.