Wednesday, 5 October 2011

The Unicorn in the paddock

Albie, the unicorn with a headache, about 12 hours
after the injury. Note that he is covered in dew, not fresh blood.
First it was a turkey. Then, the week later, on the 21 July, Mr Farmer arrived home from work to find a unicorn in the paddock. Leastways, what Mr Farmer actually found was a very despondent Albie, who had lost a fight and one of his horns to Roger the ram. Roger was strutting around the paddock with a minor cut on his head, telling all and sundry that he was going to change his name to Shane Cameron, and everyone should call Albie Dominic Vea.
The missing horn... ouch.

By the time Mr Farmer arrived home, the fight was well-and-truly over, and the crowds had dispersed. Albie's head-wound had even stopped bleeding. The only remaining evidence of the fight was a lone horn, lying unclaimed in the middle of the paddock. Oh, and a tearful one-horned goat, sobbing as quietly as he could about his new position as a unicorn. Mr Farmer went to tend to Albie's head wound with the bottle of iodine.

The next morning, Albie was still sniffling about the black abyss his life had become, but physically he was ok, and still not bleeding. Big Suffolk and Helen were keeping a close eye on him (obviously Roger hadn't considered the impact of the sympathy close). A google search revealed that unicorn goats are not as uncommon as everyone thought - indeed, this member of the unicorn community bears striking resemblance to Albie. In fact, the goat-to-unicorn transformation can even be done surgically.

Albie, 6 days on and recovering well.
The fact that Albie is now a unicorn (and is resigned to remaining this way for the rest of his life, unless he gets a prosthetic replacement or has another fight with Roger to get rid of the other horn) will probably not do his career as a stud goat any favours. With this in mind, Albie headed for the neighbour's paddock later that day, glumly contemplating life as a lone unicorn.

Mr Farmer, who has a secret soft spot for Albie, invited Albie to move in to the alcove under the back doorstep until he felt well enough to patch things up with Roger. Albie lived there for two weeks, with a dream diet of hay, chaff, grain and vegetable scraps - he was so miserable to start with that it took him a couple of days to get back to his old self and start complaining about being alone. His wound was clean, and healing nicely.

"I am a suave young unicorn..." Albie, three months on.
Around 1 August, when Helen decided to move next door with the cows, Albie had grown a nice, clean scab over his horn hole (for want of a better word). He and Helen were tethered on the back lawn, and Helen was bored. "Itch it." said Helen. "Go on, I dare you." Albie follows all of Helen's instructions to the best of his ability, and one deft scratch of the food later, the scab was off. Albie had a fifty-cent-coin-sized hole in his head. He was resigned back to the alcove for another week. Then, just as Albie was getting really, really bored, someone snuck up and smeared Marmite all over his horn hole, then let him loose in the paddock (satisfied that the wound was sufficiently waterproofed). Albie didn't even notice the Marmite waterproofing, but Helen did. Albie may not have been a great conversation partner, and he may not have been the coolest animal in the paddock, but all of a sudden, he sure tasted good. In fact, Albie tasted so good that Helen even let him follow her around the farm for the next couple of days. Albie is still trying to work out why Helen kept trying to lick his head (though he reckons it's because she loves him).

A 1.05-horned goat (read: lopsided).
During his recovery, Albie grew rather fond of his one-remaining horn, becoming so protective of it that he would not even share the same paddock with Roger. Although it took Albie just over a month to recover physically, it wasn't until Albie realised that being a unicorn could be a career option which would put him in touch with beautiful ladies and immeasurable fame, that he cheered up. Now, just over three months after the incident, Albie is glum once again, because he is losing his unicorn status, thanks to a scur that has just started growing where the second horn used to be. Life as a lop-sided goat doesn't seem very attractive when compared with the glamour of being a real, live unicorn.

1 comment:

  1. Oy. Poor handsome Albie. He could always pose on one side and find a career in modeling. Sort of like Fabio with one horn.