Apricot-cherry-glazed manuka-smoked ham

Peter (front, center), excelling in his culinary career, with
colleagues new potatoes (back, left) and salad (back, right).

After the recent controversy surrounding the murder of De Ceased, Peter and Paul quit their jobs at the Fiveacres Stytion, and went on to pursue a culinary career (with a little help and encouragement from Mr Farmer). They were a wild success, particularly at Christmas dinner:

Mr Farmer's Apricot-Cherry-Glazed Manuka-Smoked Ham

For the manuka-smoked ham:
1 leg pork
8 t pink salt (Colorquik or Prague Powder #1)
4 L boiling water
3/4 C non-iodized salt (or 1 1/2 C kosher salt)
2 C brown sugar

Dissolve sugar, salt and pink salt in boiling water, then set aside to cool. Once the brine has cooled completely, put your pork leg(s) in. Leave to brine in the fridge 1 day per 300 g.

Remove from the brine, and cold smoke over manuka wood chips.

Or, visit your local supermarket or butcher for a pre-prepared leg of ham, bone-in.

For the apricot-cherry glaze
150 g apricot jam
2 T cherry brandy
2 T whisky
1 T wholegrain mustard

Combine all ingredients over a low heat, and stir until mixed.

For the finished ham
Cut around the shank of the ham, then gently push the skin of the ham away from the fat layer. Lightly criss-cross the skin. Spread glaze over the layer of fat, and over the skin. Bake at 175°C for 1 hour, basting every ten minutes. Drain the glaze from the ham after cooking and use as a sauce - either as it comes, or strained and thickened with a little cornflour.

Pig out on your ham warm or cold.

Mozzarella Capra (American style)

Fresh mozzarella capra -
delicious with tomato and
basil, if your basil survives
dust-bathing chickens (ours
didn't)

Helen had almost banned mozzarella making, because until recently, it had always ended in dismal failure, and wasted milk. Then one Sunday, for no apparent reason, a real American* mozzarella emerged from the farmhouse kitchen.

Mozzarella cabra - ingredients

4 L goat milk
1 1/4 t citric acid
1/2 t rennet dissolved in 1/4 C water

1. Heat the milk to 88°F. Just before the milk reaches 88°F, sprinkle the citric acid over the top** and stir in. When the milk reaches 88°F, stir in the rennet.

2. Sit for an hour, or until a clean break is achieved. During this time, prepare your brine - combine 8 oz (225 g)  salt with 1 quart (1 liter) of boiled water. Leave to cool (in the fridge or freezer, if need be).

3. When a clean break is achieved, cut curds into 1" (2.4 cm) squares, and drain off a little whey, leaving enough to cover the curds. Sit for 10 minutes.

4. Stir the curds, and cut any that didn't get cut into 1" squares. Heat slowly to 108°F (this is easiest done by placing your pot of curds in a sink or bucket of hot water), and stand at 108°F for 40 minutes, occasionally stirring gently. During this time your curds will matt together and become slightly elastic.

5. Over a stove, heat curds and whey to 140°F, kneading with a spoon whilst heating:

5 a. The curds will knit together - fold them over and press into one another with a spoon. Between 120 and 130°F the curds will become increasingly elastic - dangle them off the edge of your spoon to start stretching them:

Curds at 120°F - starting to get pliable

130°F - starting to get elastic
(but still a long way to go)

Stretchy - almost there...

Smoother and stretchier - progress!

Approaching 140°F...

 5 b. Eventually (by 140°F), you will be able to stretch the curds with two hands:

Stretch! at 140°F, very elastic
(no hands pictured,
as one is busy operating the camera)

Should the curds lose their stretch, simply dip back in the hot whey, fold with your spoon, then resume kneading.

5 c. Knead and stretch until your curds are shiny and smooth.

Brine - fresh mozzarella still shows
the layers from stretching.

6. Drop your ball of mozzarella into the cold brine and leave for 10 to 30 minutes, depending on how salty you like it.

7. Reassure your goat that her milk didn't go to waste - this time.

8. Apologize to the pigs, who have always enjoyed failed mozzarella in the past.

Store*** fresh mozzarella in the fridge. A perfectly successful batch of mozzarella will melt when heated. Less successful batches retain their shape somewhat under heat, but are apparently still perfectly edible.

*The difference between American and Italian mozzarella appears to be due to the addition of citric acid in American mozzarella - the citric acid speeds up the acidification process quite significantly. With Italian mozzarella, acidification occurs due to the use of a slower-acting culture (like buttermilk).


**If the citric acid is not stirred into the milk very quickly, it will cause the milk to curdle instantly. If this happens, don't panic - your curds will look funny and wobbly when you cut them (it won't look like a proper clean break, no matter how long you wait), but your mozzarella should still turn out just fine.

***Fresh mozzarella has a limited shelf life. Over the next few weeks, Helen and I will try brining mozzarella, to make it last longer.

Share milking

Better with Feta, in moderation, at least.

Mr Farmer wants a holiday, but Helen needs to be milked every day, twice a day, twelve hours apart. The solution to the problem is obvious: Mr Farmer needs to take Helen on holiday with him.

Neither Mr Farmer nor Helen like the solution. Mr Farmer says he can't take a goat on holiday. Helen says she wouldn't want to go on holiday with Mr Farmer, even if he begged. Unless, of course, Mr Farmer was holidaying in a hay barn or at the Fiskens' grain-processing plant, but Helen doubts that Mr Farmer has this sort of exciting holiday in mind.

A second solution is proposed: Mr Farmer needs to hire a relief milker, to cover milking duties in his absence. An ad is placed in the Countryside Chronicle (and in Ewes of the World, for good measure), and several applicants apply. One applicant shines through - an applicant with extensive milking experience - an applicant who is willing to milk Helen at least twice a day, if not more. In what may be a first at Fiveacres, Helen and Mr Farmer are in agreement: They have found their ideal relief milker.

Feta is offered a trial, and accepts instantly. Her first week goes without a hitch - Feta takes two litres every day, and leaves two for cheese. Mr Farmer and Helen are relieved - pleased, even - and decide to offer Feta a temporary share milking contract until she begins her relief milking over Christmas. Feta accepts, and even offers to take on extra duties on weekends (and all other times when Mr Farmer wants to sleep in or stay out late).

Things go downhill after the contract is signed. Feta forgets that her job title is share milker, and drinks almost all the milk, every day. There is barely enough left for Mr Farmer's coffee. Mr Farmer has a conundrum: he wants a holiday, but does not like black coffee.

Additionally, Feta gets bored between milkings. To pass the time, Feta teaches herself to jump on top of her house. When that becomes easy, Feta tries to jump from the top of her house onto Helen's back. Over the course of the week, Feta perfects the technique, and begins to wonder about her chances at the Olympics. Helen is not impressed, and suggests that Mr Farmer forgo his holiday and dismiss Feta under the 90-day-trial law. Kids are such hard work, says Helen. Even harder work than farmers.

Another solution is proposed: Feta is to be employed only between the hours of 6.30 pm and 6.30 am. At other times, she is to be put into daycare. Feta will commence full-time employment only when Mr Farmer goes on holiday. Helen likes this solution, because it means she can live the life of a young, attractive and care-free goat during the day. Mr Farmer likes this solution, because it means there is sufficient milk for coffee and cheese. Feta does not like this solution, but is distracted when she discovers that she can jump up the side of the big a-frame goat house and almost make it to the top.

The solution works well, but soon - as always happens on the farm - another problem rears its ugly head: Someone has started a rumor about a permanent sharemilking position for Feta.

Cotija Cabra

Cotija - a burrito's best friend.

Cotija is a hard cheese traditionally made with cow milk. Although everything is better with goat milk (according to Feta), this recipe for cotija can be made with cow milk.

For a step-by-step guide with pictures, see this page, or continue below for the recipe:

2 L goat milk

1 T yogurt

1/8 t rennet, in 1 T water

1/2 to 1 T salt (to taste)

Heat milk to 86°F, add yogurt, ripen one hour. Add rennet to water, rest while the milk ripens.

After an hour, add rennet to milk, whisk. Rest at about 86°F for 45 minutes.

Cut curds into quarter-inch squares, rest 10 minutes, then stir gently.

Slowly heat the curds and whey to 95°F - this should take about 20 minutes. Rest five minutes.

Drain curds.

Hold curds at 95°F for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Drain off any whey that is expelled from the curds during this time.

Stir in salt.

Place curds into a cheese-cloth-lined mold, then press:

- 2.25 kg for 10 minutes, flip cheese, press another 10 minutes with the same weight

- 4.5 kg for 60 minutes

- 7.5 kg for 12 hours

While the cheese is pressing, prepare a brine of 1 1/2 C salt and 1 quart (about 1 liter) water.

Remove from press, and soak in cold brine overnight. Age in a cool, dry cupboard for two weeks.

Serve grated over slow-cooked pulled pork and black beans.

Thanksgiving: A murder mystery

The accused, Trusty Sidekick, with one of the victim's
siblings, in happier times.

The trial of the dog accused of killing turkey chick De Ceased began in Fiveacres Court today. Trusty Sidekick was released on bail after her arrest last week on suspicion of murder, having being caught carrying a lifeless and wounded De Ceased in her mouth.

The prosecution allege that Sidekick, suspected to be a prospect in the Mongrel Mob, was put up to the killing by convicted murderer Lecter.

After Sidekick and her legal team entered a not guilty plea, an outburst of fowl language saw parents of the victim, Tiff and Bob Turkey, removed from the dock.

Sidekick's legal team claim that De Ceased was the victim of neglect by his parents, and pointed to the De Licious debacle, the disappearance of the victim's sibling, and the fact that Chicken and Young Fowl Services (CYF) had already removed 20 newly-hatched chicks from Tiff and Bob's care prior to the incident.

Sidekick gave evidence that she had heard the cries of an injured turkey chick in the neighboring paddock, and had found De Ceased, apparently abandoned and badly wounded. Sidekick stated that she gently gathered the young turkey in her mouth and rushed him to Fiveacres to seek medical attention. Despite her dogged efforts, De Ceased died in Sidekick's mouth before she reached the boundary fence.

An egg-spert for-hen-sic investigator testified that De Ceased's wounds were consistent with puncture marks caused by teeth, but that the teeth could have been those of a cat, rat, stoat or dog.

The prosecution today issued a statement that the defense's argument was merely a cheep shot at grieving parents. The trial continues next week.

Halloumi

Halloumi, with good friends Greek salad and
lemon-garlic dressing

(and a bit of ricotta)

4 L goat milk
1 t rennet dissolved in 1 t water
10 T salt

1. Heat milk to 95°F (35°C).
2. Add the rennet dissolved in water, and whisk in. Cover and leave to sit 1 hour, or until a clean break is achieved.
3. Cut the curds into 1" squares, and rest 10 minutes.
4. Spoon the curds out to drain in a cheesecloth - retain the whey (you'll need it all). Leave the curds to hang for 24 hours.
5. Meanwhile, combine 4 C whey with the salt, and refrigerate - this makes your brine. Refrigerate the rest of the whey - you'll need it for cooking your curds.
6. After the curds have hung for 24 hours, cut them into chunks. We cut our curds into four, giving us chunks 1" thick.
7. Heat the whey to 194°F (90°C) - watch the temperature closely, and don't exceed 203°F (95°C). As the whey heats, ricotta will start to form on the surface. You can skim this off and put aside - or ignore it (it makes only a small amount, which annoys Mr Farmer, but it is very tasty).
8. Cook the curds in the whey for 30 minutes, watching the temperature closely. The chunks of curd should be almost spongy after cooking.
9. Remove the curds from the whey, drain until cool, then add to brine. Leave 24 hours, to let the flavor develop.
10. Give a treat to the generous goat who provided you with the milk.

Better with Feta

Spring came. The sheep gave birth, the chicks hatched, and the grass grew. Helen's tummy got bigger and bigger, but no goat kids arrived.

Helen had been living with Albie throughout Winter. Albie was sure he was the father of the unborn kid - after all, Roger hadn't been anywhere near Helen. Roger replied that in that case, it had to be a phantom pregnancy.

Helen kept silent, until this afternoon, when Feta was born. Albie was elated. There was nothing sheepish about Feta. Roger had to agree. Little Feta was decidedly goaty. It was the nose, Roger said. Roman. And the ears. They were big - Nubian, almost. Yes, said Roger, little Feta looked just like a goat he knew. That one that Helen used to hang around with. Yes, said Roger, Feta looks just like Helen's ex-boyfriend Trevor.