Rural Ripper serial killer strikes: Two confirmed dead
Police want to speak to
a ginger tabby, of average
build and height, with
green eyes.
Image: Identikit
FIVEACRES FARM, New Zealand - Police are appealing for any information about the suspicious deaths of two young turkey chicks, E. Coli and Mo Lasses, found dead on the back lawn yesterday. Detective Inspector P. Igg told media this morning that an examination of the crime scene suggested fowl play: "The poor little fellows had the stuffing knocked out of them," he commented.
The small country community, which two years ago years ago lost three lambs to the notorious Lecter serial killer, has this time been rocked by a double homicide. Mo and Col, the turkey chick victims of this latest attack, were described by a local Gossipy Bantam as being conscientious youngsters with an "egg-cellent future" ahead of them. The turkeys' foster mother, Sarah Git, is said to be in shock after witnessing the attack. A neighbour who wished to remain anonymous said that although the neighbourhood was a low-crime area, she and her six young children will be remaining vigilant until the attacker is apprehended - "It makes me quail in fear to think that it could have been one of my brood". Meanwhile, the tight-knit community of Fiveacres is rallying around to provide support for Sarah Git, and for Mo and Col's biological parents, Bob and Yortu.
A known serial killer out
on bail, should not be approached.
Image: Identikit
Police yesterday carried out a forensic examination of the crime scene, and are appealing to the individuals shown in the Idenikit drawings to come forward and assist police with their investigation. Forensic profiler Police Constable S. Wine issued a statement saying that the unsub is likely to have sharp teeth and a propensity for violence, so should not be approached. The unsub is believed to be an associate of the Mongrel Mob (with which paroled serial killer Lecter is understood to be affiliated), although police have not yet ruled out a copy-cat killer, since the victim profiles and MO appear to deviate from those in the Lecter killings. Anyone with information about the crime should contact the Fiveacres Police Stytion immediately.
Mo' and 'Col, having a very happy Thanksgiving with
their adopted mother.
Although Thanksgiving is not widely celebrated in New Zealand, the gossipy bantams celebrated Thanksgiving this year with turkey. They couldn't celebrate with Yortu, because she had conveniently disappeared a few days beforehand, and they wouldn't celebrate with Bob, because he tends to be a little socially inappropriate. Instead, the gossipy bantams celebrated the birth of a new scandal when one of the girls - Sarah Git - discovered that the eggs she had been sitting on had hatched into two fluffy, bright-eyed turkey chicks named Mo Lasses and E. Col I (need we say anything about how naughty he is?).
The scandal that the bantams are so excited about is that nobody was expecting any eggs to hatch. Sarah Git did go out on a hens' night a few weeks ago, and there are parts of that she doesn't remember, but she is pretty sure she never went home with anyone. Sarah Git also doesn't recall ever laying the eggs. Bob, the only male turkey on the street, denies ever having met Sarah Git, but (as the Leghorn and Yortu will verify), he can't always be trusted to tell the truth. Although Bob and Sarah Git categorically deny being the biological parents of Mo' and 'Col, the rumours are rife amongst the bantam community - did Bob really do the dirty on Yortu again, and is that why nobody has seen Yortu for days?
If the gossipy bantams were less bird-brained, they might have remembered Mr Farmer sneaking some eggs that Yortu had abandoned underneath Sarah Git, who at that stage, was doing her very best to hatch a golf ball. The gossipy bantams, if they weren't such egg-heads, might then have realised that Sarah Git really is just a surrogate. Happily for Mo' and 'Col, Sarah Git isn't bothered about being the centre of the controversy in the coop. She and her turkey chicks have moved into the hutch (right next door to Albie, who may or may not be wondering about his involvement), and Sarah Git is raising Mo' and 'Col as if they were her own.
Karina was somewhat camera-shy, and by the time she was
all dressed up with stuffing, everyone had forgotten
about photographs. This is Kim and some of her last litter of
piglets, all of whom hope to be just like Karina when
they grow up.
1 leg pork, boned, skin on
1/2 small red onion, diced finely
1 pork, fennel and paprika sausage*, casing removed
1 rasher bacon, finely chopped
100 grams breadcrumbs
Place stuffing mixture inside pork leg, rolling the pork leg around the stuffing. Tie together with string (this is more difficult than it sounds), and place in a roasting dish with about 1cm water in the bottom of the roasting dish. Bake at 150 - 175°C (depending on how much time you have) until pork is cooked, about 2 to 3 hours, depending on the size of your leg of pork. Make sure there is always a bit of water in the bottom of your pan, to keep the pork nice and moist.
Serve with pumpkin and some nice, fresh, green vegetables, and then do your very best to get someone else to clean the roasting pan (thanks, Trusty Sidekick, for volunteering so selflessly).
*we have refined the sausage recipe again; for every 1kg pork mince, add 1t fennel seeds, 1t salt, 1t coarsely ground pepper, 2.25T paprika, 81g breadcrumbs. Thanks to Ken (wood) for providing the original sausage flavour.
Bob is a handsome turkey - or so he would tell you. He spends hours, all puffed up, snood extended, admiring himself in the reflection of the conservatory. This self-admiration is only a recent activity; a few weeks ago, Bob spent hours, all puffed up, snood extended, strutting around behind Yortu. Anywhere Yortu went, Bob would be there, right behind her, all puffed up, snood extended, with that dreamy, yearning-turkey look in his eyes.
Bob in Handsome Turkey Mode
(certain members of the farm find this a little creepy)
Martha's double-yoker - not idle
gossip after all.
Finally, Bob's relentless attention got to Yortu. Yortu laid some eggs and pretended to nest, just so that she could get some alone time. Eventually however, Yortu grew tired of listening to the idle gossip of the bantams (did you know that Marcy laid a double-yoker yesterday?), and so Yortu abandoned her nest, only to discover Bob, all puffed up, snood extended, with that dreamy, yearning-turkey look in his eyes, following one of the leghorns around. The guinea fowl thought the whole situation was terribly funny, until Yortu (who used to be a member of their gang, and remains an associate) voiced her displeasure and stormed off in a huff.
Irresistible...
Since the incident, Bob has done his best to make it up to Yortu, following her around, day and night, all puffed up, snood extended, with a guilty look in his eyes. We've even caught him sneaking into the house, undoubtably in search of a telephone on which to order his jilted lover a bunch of forgive-me flowers. Despite the aforementioned leghorn's best efforts to keep a low profile, she has still been labeled a harlot and a home-wrecker by certain gossiping bantams.
Handsome...
Notwithstanding Bob's continued efforts to woo Yortu, with his extended snood, puffed-up feathers, and folds of skin that change from bright red to brilliant blue with the twitch of a feather, Yortu has been giving Bob the cold shoulder. This isn't just idle bantam-gossip - the two turkey eggs that made their way into last night's experimental quiche were both cold and unfertilized**. Indeed, Bob was also spotted, deflated and with short snood, chatting to Albie about his now purposeless existence - an interesting choice of companionship, given that Albie doesn't exactly enjoy Farm Stud status himself. Mr Farmer, who likes to look out for the other males on the farm, and was no doubt worried about Albie's ability as a counsellor, stepped in and came up with a solution - he invited Bob and Yortu to join us for Christmas dinner.
...Ever so slightly comical.
Since Mr Farmer's invitation, Bob has been practicing his feather-puffing and snood-showing in front of the reflective conservatory windows with newfound enthusiasm, in order to regain his Studly Allure (and resultant Purpose On The Farm). Mr Farmer's invitation seemed to be just what Yortu needed, too, to give Bob a second chance, as Yortu has been spotted eyeing up Bob's reflection with a very approving stare, from just behind the flax bush, out of sight from prying bantam eyes.
**For those who are curious, the turkey eggs were rich and tasty, and the experimental quiche was a success.
The Ride-on Mower left the farm some months ago, to go cavorting with a handsome gelding out West. Back then, it was the middle of Winter, and there wasn't much work for her anyway, so nobody really missed her (especially Helen, who made it no secret that she hated having to share all the attention).
When Spring arrived, nobody was prepared. The lawns slowly got longer and longer, but there were more pressing issues. Kim and Cliff had gone their separate ways and needed help packing, the piglets needed a new house, the second vegetable garden needed Chicken Protection, and Albie needed a buck pen.
Albie, surveying his new plot of land, complete with
Swiss-Style chalet.
Kim and Cliff were duly shipped off in a horse float and a caged trailer, and the piglets had a bus shelter modified to include a stunning deck with room for a barbecue and some outdoor furniture, and views out over the bush. The tomatoes got a new (and hopefully) chicken-proof fence. But everybody conveniently forgot about Albie and his need for a buck pen, because new pens generally mean new fences, and new fences generally mean digging, and digging generally means Hard Work. Hard Work is technically Mr Farmer's department, but Mr Farmer alleges it isn't in his contract.
Albie, inside the Bachelor Pad, which is located in a great
neighbourhood, just across the fence from the sheep and
the piglets.
Happily, someone else came up with a better solution. Since Albie can't work as a buck until Autumn (despite his best [successful] efforts to rut), he was approached about the Spring/Summer position of Lawn Mower. With the help of a few electric fence standards, and a bit of wire, Albie could have his pick of the best grass and weeds in all the places the sheep can't graze, and the plants (who are the reason the sheep can't graze in these locations) could relax in the knowledge that neither insidious grass growth nor hungry animals would harm them. With a bit of coercion (okay, a lead and some dragging), Albie was today enlisted as the farm's new Push/Pull Mower. His package includes limitless grass, and a Swiss-chalet-style bachelor pad.
"This is, like, the perfect location for a deck. Mr Farmer?"
Helen has never been happier. Finally, some freedom from that annoying one-and-a-sixteenth-horned buck. Albie is still trying to figure out exactly how he ended up on the front lawn, but is pretty happy with the variety of grass and weeds that have been growing plentifully since the Ride-on Mower left. The only slight disappointment for Albie is that the fruit trees are on the wrong side of the electric fence. The fruit trees are hopeful that our electricity company can refrain from having a power cut, at least until Autumn.
The Balancing-Bucket Cheese Press: outdoor use only.
Multi-purpose: doubles as a catapult.
Every year, Mr Farmer gets upset about the lack of space in the fridge, due to the growing number of batches of feta. Last year, Helen and I were proactive, and used some of her milk to make a cheddar cheese, so that Mr Farmer could have a little fridge space. The only problem with cheddar is that it requires a cheese press - because we didn't have a cheese press on hand, Helen and I had to get creative, both with our press, and with our weights. After some failed attempts balancing bricks and cans and bottles of water on top of the cheese (which resulted in some rather loud crashing), Mr Farmer stepped in with the Balancing Bucket Cheese Press. The buckets, which are full of bricks, are balanced on a fence paling which sits on a can that is just slightly smaller than the cheese mold.
The Balancing Bag Cheese Press: the indoor, but
light-weight alternative.
The Balancing Bucket cheese press was excellent, and and made a good job of pressing the cheddar. However, as the fridge began to fill to capacity this year, we were faced with a major problem: the fence paling that had formed such an integral part of last year's cheese press was now firmly attached to a fence. Further, the Balancing Bucket Cheese Press is best suited to outdoor use, partly because of the space it takes up, and partly because of its potential to act as a catapult in the event of an imbalance - but this year's Cheddar Weekend was wet. So, we had to come up with an alternative: the Balancing Bag Cheese Press.
The Balancing Bag Cheese Press comprises two bags, full of cans and bottles of water, hanging off the end of a piece of oak that used to be part of a chair (the oak was thrilled to have avoided becoming firewood). We added a plastic jug with its bottom chopped off to the cheese mold, both because our cheese mold was too small for the volume of curds we had, and because it gave added stability to the press. We thought we had found the solution to our pressing issue, but it soon became clear that the amount of weight we were able to use was going to be limited by our bag size. We were also a little worried that the bags would not be strong enough to carry 23 kg of bricks, cans and water-filled bottles. The other pressing problem was that the Balancing Bag Cheese Press became easily unbalanced, as evidenced by the loud crashes that regularly echoed from the dining room.
The Im-press-ive Cheese Press: suitable for indoor use,
heavy weights, and entire nights without mysterious crashing
sounds echoing from the dining room.
Finally, Mr Farmer stepped in, with the Im-press-ive Cheese Press. The Im-press-ive Cheese Press is constructed from the upside-down base of a chair, and a long board with two holes in it to allow it to slot over two of the legs. The weights sit on (or hang off) the board. The legs of the upside-down chair give added stability to the press - so much so that the 23-kg of weight required to press the cheddar has been sitting quite happily on the press for the last 20 hours (a record time for weights staying where they are meant to be). The bags are full of potatoes, and the bricks (in black plastic bags), bottles of water, and cans sit on top of the press. Despite the existence of (fancier) cheese presses made from materials that were always meant to be part of a cheese press, we think the Im-press-ive Cheese Press is the peak of perfection - thanks, Mr Farmer, for saving the day.
