Happy Families

Proud parents Helen and Shelford having a lazy Sunday morning
by the wood pile with new kid Blue Vein (Bluey)

True Blue Vein

Helen (centre rear), tiny little Bluey (left) and buck Shelford,
a happy family.

It was a love story that rivaled Will and Kate, and maybe even Kanye and Kim. Helen von Danswan, heart-broken widow, found love on the internet when the short-but-handsome Alpine buck Shelford answered her ad in the lonely hearts column. Love at first sight was followed by a whirlwind romance; Helen and Shelford have been inseparable since Shelford arrived at Fiveacres early in March.

But whirlwind romances attract gossip like poorly-fenced vegetable gardens attract goats; when Helen's midline began to expand, whispers of pregnancy could be heard all over Fiveacres. This morning, Fiveacres awoke to the news that Helen had gone into labour and delivered the couple's first kid, one four-and-a-half pound Blue Vein.

Oat, linseed, sesame and oregano crackers

Feed your farmer with these healthy, grainy crackers:

For the crackers:
2 C plain flour
2/3 C wholemeal flour
1/2 C rolled oats
3 T linseed
3 T sesame seed
3 T fresh oregano, chopped (or 3 t dried)
4 T oil
2 t salt
cracker pepper (about 30 twists of the pepper grinder, or to your taste)
1 C hot water

For the topping:
cracked sea salt

Preheat the oven to 350°F (175°C).

Thoroughly mix all cracker ingredients to form a stiff dough. Turn out onto a lightly floured bench, shape into a ball, then divide into eight. Roll each eighth of dough into a sort-of square, about 8 by 10 inches (20 by 25 cm), then cut into smaller squares and place on a large tray (this recipe makes about four tray-fulls). Unless you are incredibly patient, your bigger and smaller squares won't be quite square - we think the almost-square look adds to the rustic farm-fresh look. Sprinkle cracked sea salt over the top (or, for more decadent crackers, brush lightly with oil and then sprinkle with cracked sea salt). Bake 15 to 17 minutes, until golden.

Cool and store in an air-tight container. These crackers are tasty on their own, or served with your favorite goat's fresh cheese, and some chutney.

Grass always greener: Ram discharged from hospital

Roger Ram working the camera after his release from hospital.

Fiveacres today rejoiced as Roger Ram was discharged from hospital. Said Dr. Shepherd: "It was shear determination on Ram's part. We didn't think he would make it - he sure pulled the wool over our eyes."

Meanwhile, Ram's young son Molasses is sheepish after Ewes of the World lampooned him for shearing his desire to know what was in Ram's last wool and testament. Molasses maintains that there is no truth to the reports, and that Ewes of the World is simply spinning yarns.

Shovels all over Fiveacres breathed a collective sigh of relief, as did Mr Farmer.

BREAKING NEWES: Roger Ram in critical condition

Ram and some of his flock, in younger, healthier days.

Close friends and flock of Roger Ram, Fiveacres flock leader, are tonight keeping vigil at Ram's bedside as it emerged that Ram's health condition was "critical." Ram was rushed to hospital in a stock truck earlier today - he is  estimated to be nearly 70 sheep years of age (13 human years). Ewes of the World reported that a journalist had herd Dr. Shepherd advise the chaplain it was time to shear the newes of Ram's critical condition with the flock. Fleece Street Papparazzi continue to line the wools of the hospital waiting in anticipation for newes of Ram's progress.

Mr Farmer keeps looking reluctantly at the shovel.

Pleasant pheasant and apple meatballs

Pheasant meatballs. Perfect partners with free-range eggs
and a good hollandaise sauce.

Pheasants are so lean and mean that even Mr Farmer says they can be tough (and everyone at Fiveacres will tell you that Mr Farmer is pretty tough himself). But there is a softer side to everyone - even Mr Farmer. Serve these tender, flavorsome pheasant meatballs on mash or fresh bread, with green beans, a poached egg, and hollandaise sauce.

If you are all out of pheasant, just use a small whole chicken.

Pheasant and Apple Meatballs

1 small onion
2 T butter
half a pheasant, roasted*
3/4 apple, cored but not peeled**
1 rasher shoulder bacon, rind removed but fat*** intact
100 g fresh bread
1/2 t salt

Put the onion through the mincer, or (if you don't have a mincer) chop finely. Melt butter in a pan and gently fry the onion until translucent but not brown.
Put the pheasant meat, apple, and bacon through the mincer. Put the bread through the mincer last, to clean it out. If you don't have a mincer, finely chop the pheasant and bacon, grate the apple, and make the fresh bread into breadcrumbs.
Mix cooked onion, pheasant meat, apple, bacon, bread and salt. Wet your hands with cold water****, and shape into walnut-sized balls.
Bake in a 300°F (150°C) oven for about 20 minutes, or until just golden brown on the outside. We like to use a Maxwell Williams Microstoven quiche dish - non-stick cookware to which superglue would not adhere.

Enjoy - on a salad, or (our favorite) with a fresh poached egg, hollandaise sauce, green beans and Mr Farmer's top-secret potato mash. If Mr Farmer won't share his mash recipe (we did ask, and he says he  won't), use toasted fresh bread.

*when roasting your pheasant, pour some cider and white wine in the bottom of the pan, and stuff the pheasant with a cored, quartered, un-peeled apple
**use the apple that was used to stuff the pheasant - usually this is only half an apple in total (we challenge you to fit more into your pheasant), so you'll need an additional quarter. We like Pacific Rose or Braeburn, but any sweet apple will do.
***some of us at Fiveacres don't usually like fat, but pheasant is so lean that it needs the fat for tenderness and flavor. Bacon fat is perfect, as it doesn't have an overpowering flavor or texture.
****this helps to keep the meatball mix from sticking to your hands. Really.

Guinea fowl gang leaders in remand on suspicion of racketeering

 

FIVEACRES: Guinea Fowl Gang president Karl O'Gambino and sergeant in arms Alexander (Al) Capone - both wanted for alleged abduction and racketeering - are tonight being held in the Stytion jail, charged with home invasion and theft. The pair were apprehended this afternoon stealing food inside the chicken house.

The gang - suspected of orchestrating unprovoked attacks on the local laying hens - came to the attention of the Farmyard Bureau of Investigation (FBI) after the disappearance of a young brown leghorn hen several weeks ago. Just prior to her disappearance, the leghorn had agreed to act as a witness to the guinea fowl's involvement in the gangland-style assaults. Fiveacres Stytion released a statement alleging fowl play in the young hen's disappearance.

Says one concerned Fiveacres hen, who wished to remain anonymous, "the chicken community are thrilled at the news that the guinea fowl are behind bars - we hens have been laying low since the attacks started. Our rooster has been crowing about the arrests all day. It's great that the Guinea Fowl Gang can't hatch any more evil plans."

Investigators say they cannot rule out further charges being laid against the gang leaders.

Alberto von Danswan's last laugh

After a Summer so drought-stricken that farmers all over the country swore they had never experienced anything so dry, Mother Nature unleashed rain so torrential that rivers all over the country broke their banks, flooding paddocks, breaking fences, and causing the death of hundreds of innocent Salmon. Farmers all over the country swore it had never been so wet.

Mid-way through some of the worst weather Mr Farmer has seen this year, Big Suffolk proudly announced the birth of twins, Molasses and Moonshine. Two small lambs with over-sized ears, little black hooves, and big, dark brown splotches on their coats. Two small lambs who looked distinctly like a certain goat we used to know...

Roger Ram thinks someone's pulled the wool over his eyes. Big Suffolk is a bit sheepish, but she ain't sayin' nothin' about what she got up to five months ago.

Bereavements

VON DANSWAN, Alberto. 

Passed away 10 January, 2013, in a tragic accident. Absent father of Feta and Vindie Lou von Danswan, and estranged lover of Helen. You will be missed by everyone, even Roger Ram.

Apricot-cherry-glazed manuka-smoked ham

Peter (front, center), excelling in his culinary career, with
colleagues new potatoes (back, left) and salad (back, right).

After the recent controversy surrounding the murder of De Ceased, Peter and Paul quit their jobs at the Fiveacres Stytion, and went on to pursue a culinary career (with a little help and encouragement from Mr Farmer). They were a wild success, particularly at Christmas dinner:

Mr Farmer's Apricot-Cherry-Glazed Manuka-Smoked Ham

For the manuka-smoked ham:
1 leg pork
8 t pink salt (Colorquik or Prague Powder #1)
4 L boiling water
3/4 C non-iodized salt (or 1 1/2 C kosher salt)
2 C brown sugar

Dissolve sugar, salt and pink salt in boiling water, then set aside to cool. Once the brine has cooled completely, put your pork leg(s) in. Leave to brine in the fridge 1 day per 300 g.

Remove from the brine, and cold smoke over manuka wood chips.

Or, visit your local supermarket or butcher for a pre-prepared leg of ham, bone-in.

For the apricot-cherry glaze
150 g apricot jam
2 T cherry brandy
2 T whisky
1 T wholegrain mustard

Combine all ingredients over a low heat, and stir until mixed.

For the finished ham
Cut around the shank of the ham, then gently push the skin of the ham away from the fat layer. Lightly criss-cross the skin. Spread glaze over the layer of fat, and over the skin. Bake at 175°C for 1 hour, basting every ten minutes. Drain the glaze from the ham after cooking and use as a sauce - either as it comes, or strained and thickened with a little cornflour.

Pig out on your ham warm or cold.